When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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