New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
