I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
