you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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