Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
