the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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