...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
