Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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