i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize