Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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