i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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