my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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