i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
