Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize