wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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