Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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