My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize