Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
