i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Welp...herpes.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
