looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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