You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
nutella sex= disaster
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
