Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
