Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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