I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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