i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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