Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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