i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
