i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize