I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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