your parents love me but you hate me
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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