forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
