If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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