i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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