He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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