george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
