Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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