im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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