Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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