I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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