i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
