I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
