a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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