hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Dear god my vagina.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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