the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
