Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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