I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
50% drunk capacity currently
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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