don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
