How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize