My nipple is on Facebook.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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