Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
did i just pee glitter
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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