Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Where is the hickey?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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