Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
