you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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