Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize