My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
