I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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