i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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