I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
