I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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