I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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