Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
