i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
