Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
