i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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