and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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