.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
