How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
