Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
