she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
